“Through the dark tunnels, my burning passion made me stronger.”
In the four years between sixth grade and third year high school, I went back and forth between school, home, and the studio, juggling my roles as a student, a son, and a trainee. Since I didn’t have any idea what I was getting myself into, I was excited and curious so I didn’t feel tired at all.
It was difficult for my mother seeing me work so hard to meet all my responsibilities. She only told me about this later on. She supported me in my decision, and never cried in front of me or shared her worries, but I know she has cried many times out of her love for me and not wanting to see me suffer. Even today, she still occasionally sheds tears for me.
My experience as a trainee is not simply “fun” as the others would put it. If I say that working hard and getting the training I wanted already made me feel blessed and satisfied, that would be a lie. I felt uneasy day by day, and that the situation I was in was desolate.
During these times, I would adjust my thinking and tell myself “every trainee goes through this”, and “it’ll be more surprising if it wasn’t this difficult”. I didn’t have any other solution.
Like what Big Mama noonas once said, “Whatever happens to you as a trainee makes you feel bad”. Nobody is concerned about you, and most of the time you’d feel out of place. There are times wherein you’d have to pretend to be unaware and just wait. There’s not even a person to tell you that “by this year/month/day if you perfect this or that training, you can become a singer.” There’s no plan for tomorrow, no blueprint for the future, so what you can do each day is just work hard.
Because of that, I needed to be extra patient as a trainee. There was no other way but to have faith in myself and be determined in my thinking. Like the disciples of the old monks in those martial arts movies, you have to carry the burden on your shoulder “until you can stand on your own.” This was the only mindset one could have in preparation for this kind of life. I constantly recited in my heart three promises to feel stronger:
“Don’t feel discouraged”, “Don’t give up”, and “Don’t let my mind wander off track”.
These are the promises I made to myself.
Translator’s Note: This is Part 6 of Taeyang’s Shouting Out to the World, a translation from the Chinese translation of Shouting Out to the World by Big Bang China. This is merely a fan translation and is not affiliated with YG Entertainment or the publisher Sam and Parkers. This should only be for the fans’ personal use and should not be reproduced, modified, redistributed for any commercial purposes. Please do not take out/repost elsewhere without the translator’s explicit permission.
Credits: Chinese Translation by 贼@BBCN.
English translation by : amandajaclyn18.tumblr.com /@amandajaclyn18 at twitter. With permission to be reposted by Alwaystaeyang.
Wow, now that is some determination. I’m not sure if I would have the fortitude to become and stick with being a trainee, especially so young. I don’t really know how some of these young kpop stars do it, there’s not even a guarantee of money, fame or glory.